In absence of Superheroes, train to be a Superkid, or die

'Obesity and drink fuel cancer rate in UK' read the scary Press Association 24th of January caption also telling us that we're 22nd in the world for cancer rates. It gave me yet another thing to worry about. Because I love food: I always feel hungry. I have this void to fill, I think from being misunderstood a lot and all the stuff that's happened over the years that I didn't know how to deal with properly. Like bullying. That's probably why I'm into Superheroes, comic books and computer games: it's easier to stand up for yourself if you have superpowers. But if you weren't born with them, surely, you can train, right?

I have a 2010 Asperger's diagnosis and get stressed out in real life. I was depressed at one point. That sucked. It took 5 years to be finally officially diagnosed with Asperger's and so far resulted in zero support. If I had role models I could relate to apart from Gary McKinnon, I think it would be easier to deal with stress. My life - like the future of McKinnon - seems uncertain. I worry about him but I also worry that it could very easily be me one day. He got obsessed with something that got him into trouble. I used to be obsessed with setting fires. At least now, I'm obsessed with something a little less antisocial: I'm completely and utterly into ballet! And raw onions.

I am a worrier. I worry about the fact that I'll probably never be able to afford to go to University and will be lucky to get a job at all. And even if I do, I'll have to live with my parents forever because buying a house is fast becoming a dream for many. According to prognosis for the Western population, on top of that I'll possibly get fat, go crazy from playing too many computer games and living in the virtual reality world or die before my time. Or get dementia. Nice! 

My telomeres have a lot of say in how long I'll live. Apparently, the only hope of doing better physically is not smoking, eating a lot of greens, staying active and socializing. But I struggle with face to face communication and don't have any friends. That's probably largely to do with the fact that I tend to blurt out what I think. Like for example, the other day this kid of about 6 years old was having a meltdown in the middle of a shopping center to the disapproving glares of passers by. And these three teenage girls were taking a major Mickey out of him, right in front of the kid's Mom. I couldn't help saying: 'Leave him alone. I think he has autism!' Surprisingly, they did not thank me for clarifying it for them and turned on me: the abuse, the insults, sucking of the teeth - the lot. There's no way they would ever be my friends now, I don't think.

I knew that kid was autistic because my cousin with classic autism behaves very similarly when he's overwhelmed or stressed. And that's how I feel like doing when I'm stressed but I tend to keep it inside and just go crazy on a trampoline later. I secretly still suck my thumb for comfort (don't tell anybody!) and also have my special interests to cope with stress. My latest obsession is ballet and nutrition.

It's happened by accident. I was doing gymnastics since I was like 5 and by the age of 10 I was taking part in regional gymnastics competitions as part of Junior Gymnastics Olympic squad. I took bronze twice in a row. It was frustrating not to be progressing and no matter how hard I trained it felt like I kept hitting a brick wall. Then one day I went to see performance of Birmingham Royal ballet and everything about the leading artist Chi Cao reminded me of a Superhero. Despite the graceful way he moved you just knew that if he kicked you with that leg you'd feel it. I thought, wow, nobody would dare to bully someone like that.

I was bullied at school and despite doing well academically I felt pretty miserable. It took ages to be diagnosed with Asperger's. I realize now why I wasn't progressing in sport: my clumsiness and balance issues were associated with Asperger's. Someone told me that doing classical ballet helps with coordination. After a few classes I got hooked. But unfortunately, according to current laws, kids with disabilities are not entitled to have support in sports like they do at school so nobody helped me. In fact, after disclosing my diagnosis I was sidelined and wasn't put forward for any more professional competitions and quite often just abandoned to practice by myself. So when one gymnastics coach said that I was 'wasting my time' because I was 'too chunky to be a ballet dancer (I was 3 kg ‘overweight’) and will never be any good', because I was 'born wrong for it', I got angry and became even more determined to succeed.

A year ago, after just a few lessons in ballet I auditioned for Royal ballet school and didn't get in. I thought the odds were good with less boys auditioning than girls but I was just not good enough. I took more ballet classes and was accepted onto a prevocational ballet program at another school but still dreamt of getting into the Royal ballet school, I just had to! If only to prove that coach wrong. I kept thinking 'what if?' and wondered if other autistics ever got into Royal ballet school and whether it's true that 'our sort' could never be any good in ballet.

The 'chunky' comment made me panic and I went on hunger strike but hated being hungry. Then I got a little bit obsessed with learning about healthy eating.

I recently auditioned for the Royal ballet school again. I wanted it for so long. There were quite a few boys auditioning but this time I knew how to pirouette without losing balance, my grand battements were much more confident and my turnout much better. Some of the kids who lost their footing cried but I was so excited just to be auditioning and doing better than I did last year. I don’t know yet if I got through to the next round and it starting to matter less now because I am interested in ballet and not just in that one school. All the worrying before made me feel like a loser and I hated that feeling. I wanted to feel confident.

I wanted to know who could help me to better myself on every level. I started doing research and asking questions. Someone told me to write things down so I began documenting what I've learnt.

Then it had struck me that nobody is going to help me but me. And whether I got into Royal ballet school or not would not change who I am and how I feel. In this day and age, it was time to train to become a Superkid if I am to have any future at all. I need confidence to face anything!

Which is why I've decided to conduct a series of interviews with people I see as role models and one day maybe even interview people like Carlos Acosta, Judy Buttriss, John McCrea, and David Bintley (my heroes).

And I want to share it with all of you. So we can get Super - super fit, super healthy and super confident - together. I wonder if it could really work, if I will leap into a bright new future or if I’m forever destined to trip and fall flat on my face.